Just today... Please... Be a fucking man. (for male eyes only)
It's International Men's Day... A bullshit holiday that was created to supposedly celebrate men and their contributions to society, community, and to their respective families. It is also the day when awareness is created on men’s wellbeing and health.
Allegedly, it's been around for some time, but I have never heard of it, nor have I ever celebrated it.
Until today.
In a day and age where what little society we have left wants to even the gender scales by making men a punchline, today we get to push back and celebrate all the things that come with having a Y chromosome.
You think I am putting the seat down today?
Fuck you... How about remembering to leave it up?
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You think I am leaving an itchy ball unscratched today?
I would rake my nuts in front of the fucking Pope today if I want to.
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Deodorant?
How about my natural musk instead, sweetheart.
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Female orgasm?
Never heard of him... Now hand me that towel.
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Last night, I left the men's room at 2 AM... I had some questionable sushi the night before, so I was shitting shoestrings all night.
Instead of tip-toeing into bed at such a late hour, I remembered it was the wee hours of International Men's Day, so I carelessly hopped into bed, selfishly woke up my sleeping bride, and had this exchange...
Me: Honey.
Her: What?
Me: You know whose picture I just saw all over Instagram?
Her: Who?
Me: Candace.
Her: Candace who?
Me: Can-diss big fat cock fit in your mouth!?!?
She wasn't thrilled, but I giggled myself to sleep.
Then I woke up this morning and cut some thick slabs of Danish bacon that I fried up and dipped into a couple of soft-boiled eggs for breakfast...
There were no signs of an egg-white frittata, just like there will be no signs of a vegetable near my mouth for the next 24 hours.
.
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What else can we do today?
I have one... Wednesday was Rachel McAdams' birthday.
I enjoy her work very much… Wedding Crashers, Mean Girls, Sherlock Holmes, Game Night, etc… and yet I did not feel inclined to wish her a "Happy 43rd!" as Wednesday came and went.
But on International Men's Day, not only will I call attention to her unimportant annual milestone, but I will also post a reminder of the birthday cake she proudly displayed in 2010 on the set of an AWFUL movie called Morning Glory…
(Look at that thing!)
I remember seeing that for the first time and immediately thinking "body double", but then thousands of online forensic perverts swooped in and quickly found out that her backyard was 100% McAdams… Good for Rachel!
And I have never needed an excuse to post a GIF like that, but I especially don't need an excuse on International Men's Day..
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What else?
You know who else still remembers what being a man is all about?… Zee Germans.
I just recorded the Twisted History of Holidays with Vibbs and learned about the way they celebrate our useless holiday of Father's Day. That day where we maybe sleep a little later, get a few useless gifts and cards, and then go to work the next day.
Their version of Father's Day (or Vatertag) is celebrated on Ascension Day (the Thursday forty days after Easter), and it is a federal holiday.
It's also called Mannertag (meaning "Men's Day"), or better yet, Herrentag (meaning "Gentleman's Day").
The festivities are not exclusive to fathers only, as they celebrate it alongside their sons, relatives, friends, and anyone else who is fun AND down to get drunk AND is male… No fräuleins allowed.
(Sorry, Helga… But open those beers and then, "SCOOT!")
The whole idea is that your group of dudes build something called a Bollerwagen that they fill with wine or beer bottles and traditional regional food (Hausmannskost) and then they wander off into the countryside, boozing all the way.
As they follow their group's leader, or fuhrer, on a hike through the wilderness, the guys take turns pulling the cart.
As the hike becomes a walk and the walk becomes a stumble, the cart gets lighter and lighter, and once all the booze is gone, the boys head home.
According to the Federal Statistical Office of Germany, alcohol-related traffic accidents multiply by three on this day… "YES!"… Err, I mean, "BOOOOO!"
Many people will take the following Friday off at work, and some schools are closed on that Friday as well, so the pickled Krauts can use the resulting four-day weekend for a short vacation.
How fucking great is that?
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So what's my point (other than promoting the podcast)?
Tomorrow you can go back to being Phil Dunphy…
… but tonight, let's fucking ride a Bollerwagon like a German on Herrentag.
Let's ride a mighty steed like Rip from Yellowstone.
Or maybe even ride that crazy/sexy/drunk redheaded broad Rip is banging, for that matter…
Either way, today, we don't ask for permission.
(but tomorrow we will probably beg for forgiveness)
Happy Men's Day, brothers… See you at the bar.
Take a fucking report.
-Large